An archeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Traffic Camera
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits stilland does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1957 - Ants die.
2009- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits stilland does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1957 - Ants die.
2009- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Friday, May 21, 2010
A Prayor..."Pastiche"
Dear Lord,
I know that I haven't talked to you that much, but this past full year you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Lena Horne, and my favorite musician, Michael Jackson.
I just wanted to let you know that my favorite premier is Dalton McGuinty.
Redneck Jokes
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:1) The DNA is all the same.
2) There are no dental records.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Q: Who invented the toothbrush?
A: A Redneck! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
A new Redneck law was just recently passed.
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down? 'Yep, prit'near took out the whole trailer park, the library was a total loss too. Both books went poof...up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
A State Trooper pulls over a redneck in a pickup on Highway 16 and asks the driver, 'Got any I.D.? The driver replies 'Bout wut?'
Who is your REAL friend?
This really works I swear! If you don't believe it, try it at home...
Put your Dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
Open the trunk, which one is happy to see you?
Put your Dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
Open the trunk, which one is happy to see you?
Sick for work
I’ve heard it before but still funny!!Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'
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